Did you know that women actually buy 70% of the books and programs in the dating and relationship category?
In fact, when I first started helping men with dating, I was surprised when a lot of women started seeking me out for dating advice even though I was only offering to help men. And the strangest thing is that a lot of the women I talked to didn’t realize that men even needed help with dating. True story haha =)
Here’s the thing: The truth is that men generally need MUCH more help than women when it comes to relationships… Yet women are generally the ones who are always trying to learn more about it. And because women already have an advantage when it comes to dating and relationships (it’s their “turf”) the fact that they’re more open to learning widens the gap even more. That’s why it’s so awesome that you’re here with us right now.
The few guys out there who are dedicated to learning about this stuff are the ones who will be the most successful with women. And the ones who have the best chance of being happy while avoiding unnecessary pain and suffering. So, stick with us and keep learning and growing as much as you can…
Because if women already have the leg up on us and they’re always out there learning more, that means we have to do everything we can to have a chance of winning this game (and when you win, women win too if you do it right btw).
Now, there’s a book out there for women called The Rules… It basically teaches women how to play “the game.” And guess what? It came out WAY before The Game by Neil Strauss… In fact, it was published all the way back in 1995. And, since then, a barrage of similar books for women like He’s Just Not That Into You have also come out… And many of them teach women to IGNORE men who don’t chase them. So, should you be a challenge with women or should you chase them?
And, is it a good idea to talk to women about attractive principles or not?
A good friend wrote me an email recently that touched on these topics:
“Hey Man,Total pleasure to read your new blog; thanks am honored !BTW, I was discussing some of these ideas with my GF and she seems to think that these concepts are in conflict with relationship advice found in women’s relationship books… She specifically cites “He’s just not that into you.”Allegedly in that book women are encouraged to ignore men who don’t chase (after all, he’s just not that into you… etc).I have not read the book so perhaps she is misreading the messages there. Could be an interesting thing to address though in a blog post.Have a great one!J.B.”
So, is J.B.’s GF correct? What’s really going on here? Here’s how I responded:
Should you ask women for dating advice?
First of all, great to hear from you… Secondly, yes, both He’s Just Not That Into You and The Rules encourage women not to chase men and show them how to play “the game.” And, as you might imagine, I have a lot of thoughts about this…in fact, I knew about The Rules long before The Game came out. Here are a few free-form thoughts:
1. If you talk to women about attraction principles, 80% of the time they won’t agree that they would work on them or on “good” women.
Even though they do. See, women are CONSISTENT in their dating behaviors. And, just like most of us don’t truly understand why we really make purchasing decisions, most women don’t truly understand why they choose to stay with one man vs. another. They just do it and then rationalize why they did it later. <==By the way, this is also how people make purchases for the most part… We all have an idea of they way we want things to work that might conflict with how things actually work in life. Or, we might just not be aware of how things work. Sometimes things that seem like they make sense are completely wrong. And sometimes counter-intuitive things are correct.Many times we have strong feelings attached to the way we think things are or want them to be. Click To Tweet
So, unless you have an honest sister or cousin or someone who cares a lot about you and is super self-aware and cool, most women either don’t know or like how things really work. And that’s one big reason why women are not usually a good source to go to for dating advice even though it would seem that asking them would be a good idea. With few exceptions, it’s not. And, by the way, this isn’t just about women..
It’s not a good idea to ask most people for dating advice in general
After all, if most people truly understood this stuff, we wouldn’t have so much trouble with dating or so many relationship problems. I’ve spent almost 20 years focusing on this area of life and I’m still learning new things every day. So, you really have to work to get to the truth of what works when it comes to attracting a woman and building a healthy relationship with her. That’s why I’m here.
2. If a woman is actually interested enough in a man, she will still chase him if given enough challenge.
Even if she’s read every book out there for women.
3. If a woman doesn’t respond to you being a challenge, it can only mean 1 of 2 things:
A. She’s not interested enough in you (would she chase Brad Pitt if she thought she had a real chance with him but wasn’t 100% sure? Yep). B. She doesn’t have a flexible attitude. <==This is one of the two most important requirements in a female personality for long-term male happiness: flexible attitude and giving mindset. If she’s not flexible or interested in you, she’s not a good choice anyway and being a challenge will filter her OUT. <==Read 3X…
A woman who really likes you interprets you being a challenge as romantic. So, if you want to be romantic, give her CHALLENGE; don’t give her flowers.
4. Even though attractive principles say NEVER chase, you still LEAD…
So, you’re gonna ask her out (again)… You’re just not going to do it for a while after each date (4-8 days) and you’re not gonna keep asking her out if she turns down your invite.
There’s a huge difference between leading and chasing.
So, a woman doesn’t have to chase you either; she just has to keep saying yes to your spaced-out date invites, kiss you, etc.
You’re gonna lead; you’re just also going to be a challenge in-between your forward steps. And you’re not going to chase her. You just keep taking one step forward, pulling back, and then taking one more step forward. Taking slow, measured steps forward by asking her out, having fun with her, and then waiting 4-8 days before you ask her out again is leading; rushing into rejection as fast as you can by texting her too much, asking her out too soon after a date, etc. is CHASING.
See the difference? And, she can chase you in subtle ways too; for example, when she taps your arm after you make a joke, that’s chasing on a small-scale. So, a woman will ignore a man who doesn’t chase them IF they aren’t flexible or if they have low interest level. And they don’t need a book to tell them to do this. =) On the other hand, if a woman likes a guy enough and has a good attitude, she will chase him or at least respond positively when he slowly leads things forward no matter what a book tells her to do. Or her family. Or her friends. NOTHING can stop her.
Now, I may give seminars or sell products to women at some point. Financially, it would be a very smart decision. However, I think men need more help at the moment and that I can do the most good by focusing on teaching men right now.
On the other hand, when it comes to advising women, I really like Matthew Hussey’s idea of “dropping the handkerchief.” <==Yep, I research the other side of things too. He’s basically saying that if women made it a little easier for us to approach them initially, they would get the attention of “normal” guys more often instead of just the “players” or PUA’s that have the courage or experience to go talk to them. I agree with this idea…basically he advises women NOT to be easy, but to be easy in the first 30 seconds. Brilliant. So, should you ask women for dating advice? Usually not. And should you chase a woman? Never.
Remember: Always lead, never chase. And keep reading this newsletter every time it comes out so you can filter out what really works from all of the noise out there. Alright man, have a great weekend and I’ll be back with you soon..