Failure: When It Doesn’t Work Out With A Woman

When a woman doesn’t want to talk to you after you finally get up the nerve to go say hi to her… Or she doesn’t text you back… Or she goes on one or two dates with you and then disappears… Or she cheats on you… Or she breaks up with you unexpectedly… Or she divorces you after 40 years of marriage that you thought were good… Obviously, it doesn’t feel good. After all, we’re not robots, so of course we’re going to experience some unpleasant emotions when it doesn’t work out with a woman. But should you feel like a failure

That’s a completely different question altogether. And, the other day, someone I care about told me that he feels like a failure because of his recent breakup. So this one’s personal for me. And here’s what’s really interesting about my friend’s situation. He initiated the breakup when it’s usually the other way around (women initiate breakups and divorces more often than men). Yet, he still feels like a failure because it didn’t work out. 

So, because I care about him and hate to see him suffering like that, I decided to write this blog post in the hopes that it might help any guy out there who might feel like a failure sometimes with women for one reason or another. 

Should you feel like a failure when it doesn’t work out with a woman?

Here’s what I want to say to my friend: Listen, when it doesn’t work out with a woman, 99% of the time it comes down to just 3 possible reasons: 1. She was never actually interested in you… 2. She doesn’t have the qualities required to have a good relationship with you… 3. You made mistakes. That’s pretty much it. So let’s break this down in terms of being a “failure.”

if a woman isn't interested in you, there is NOTHING you can do to make her interested in you. Click To Tweet

So, if something is literally impossible, should you feel like a failure when you’re not able to do it? I don’t think so. I mean, that would be like jumping off a cliff, trying to fly without any kind of device, and then feeling bad about yourself when you hit the ground. So, instead of feeling like a failure when a woman isn’t interested in you, be proud of yourself as long as you took action to find out.

Be proud of yourself for asking her out; don’t beat yourself up when she doesn’t agree to go out with you or she doesn’t show up for the date.

I know, easier said than done, but we can only control our actions; not the outcomes of those actions. So basing the way you feel about yourself on your actions and what you can control is much healthier than basing it on outcomes.

if a woman simply doesn't have the qualities that allow her to have a good relationship with you, there is NOTHING you can do to change her or make things work with her.  Click To Tweet

You can’t control or change other people; they have to do it on their own. (By the way, a woman who does have the qualities required to have a good relationship with you is GREAT: Giving, Responsible, Emotionally Stable, Agreeable/Flexible Attitude, Trustworthy, and Trusting. And she’s genuinely interested in you, available, and shares your most important values. If she doesn’t have these qualities, she’s not the right woman for you)…

 So, again, if she’s simply not the right woman for you, it would be a mistake to feel like a failure when things don’t work out with her. Because there’s nothing you could have done to make it work out. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when it doesn’t work out; it just means you’re 100% NOT a “failure” because of it.

 Remember: The goal is not to stay together…the goal is to create a relationship that is healthy and satisfying for both of you. And that takes TWO people, not just one.

 So, if you have issues that are preventing you from creating a good relationship with a woman, start dealing with them. Heal yourself so you can do it in the future. And, on the other hand, don’t beat yourself up. If she simply isn’t capable of creating the kind of relationship you want with you. Because that’s absolutely not your fault and there’s NOTHING you can do about it. It’s impossible to make good wine out of bad grapes.

if it didn't work out with a woman because you made some mistakes, I still don't think you're a "failure." Click To Tweet

 Now listen, this is the hardest one to explain, so bear with me… Basically, as you’re living your life, you’re doing it through one of two paradigms or mindsets:

You’re either living with a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

If you have a fixed mindset, you’ll feel like a failure any time you make a mistake. And, ironically, that feeling of being a failure can prevent you from actually improving. On the other hand, if you have a growth mindset, when you make a mistake you realize that it’s an opportunity to improve. If you correct that mistake in the future so you don’t make it again, you will get better results.

 if you don’t beat yourself up too much after you make a mistake, you’ll be able to take action again faster

And consistently taking action is the only thing that leads to lasting success in life, including with women Click To Tweet

So, if you lose self-control and double-text a woman and then she loses interest in you because of your mistake, how do you respond to that situation? Do you get down on yourself and start feeling like you’re just a “failure” with women in general? Or, do you say, “Wow, that sucked. I made a mistake. And, I won’t make it next time because I want better results and I don’t want to feel this way again…” and then move on to the next woman knowing you’ll make one less mistake with her?

Here’s one of the biggest keys to life and dating: There’s no such thing as failure. Only learning exists

  • So, whenever it doesn’t work out with a woman because you made mistakes, do your best to take it as an opportunity to LEARN, improve, and grow as a man.

Again, this can be difficult to do, but it leads to the best results. Find a way to do it. 

Use the pain you feel as powerful motivation to be better next time instead of using it to poison yourself and your future.  Click To Tweet

 And then make sure you get everything on this blog down completely so you make less mistakes by default. And then, if a woman’s not interested in you or she doesn’t have the qualities required to have a good relationship, just realize that you have no control over that. It’s okay and normal to feel the pain that might cause you… However, it’s NOT okay with me for you to feel like a “failure” because of it. Because it’s simply not true. 

When it comes to making mistakes, you're only a "failure" if you STOP because of it. Click To Tweet

 So keep taking action and moving yourself FORWARD. You can get all the good things you deserve in this life. When you make a mistake, learn the lesson so you don’t make it again.  And then give yourself a break and keep going. That’s the best any human being can do.

 You can’t control the past. You can’t control a woman, but you can control what you do starting RIGHT NOW.

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